i try to blow off the fact that the majority of my high school girls have boyfriends and well me i land in a group of girls that dont have any boyfriends but we do have boys in our group.im talking about my new friends krista.megan.kristen.-&-jill.my best friend kim moved last summer away from me and it absolutely tore me to pieces. kim has or well had no idea how bad i cried i was calling for weeks before and weeks without her.bcos i felt like she was such a high percentage of my life and now she is but not as much.last year me and kim had a lot of classes together were eachothers "date" along with my former ex bff jennifer.we all got along so well and we got pictures had our inside jokes and all seemed great.why did i need a date to homecoming when you had your two best friends by your side. well me and jennifer started to get in fights stronger and worst then ever.and i understood kim couldnt take sides and didnt wanna choose.well like i said the fights got worse and then a life changing event happened, kims cousin died.it was the what i looked at as the worst event in kims life.and all i could do is yell at her on days when we had band and she had to miss it for her cousins stuff.i felt horrible and when she cried i could tell she was so hurt and i knew nothing i could do could reheal her but worst of all i couldnt control my actions it was then i think i gave everyone a totally new perspective of me.i told kim i was sorry yet something still didnt seem right.i mean everyone knew me as lindsey the gossipy loud 15 year old. it hurt to hear jennifer whom was an acquaintance at the time tell me people were talking about me all the time.well it was one day during speech me and jennifer exploded againist each other yelling over things that well didnt even make since.are anger and friendship had hit its bottom.everytime kim talked to me in the hall and jenn came up shed turn to her and then try to do both at the same time.well one day i finally decided that i was wrong i admitted it and me and jenn became friends again.it was a relief and kim was happy but it was later that year me and jenn got in a fight again and this time for good.it was over the same stupid crap and we tried to talk it over but somehow it ended.i was torn apart bcos jennifer was also a sister to me.and everytime i see her walking by me i always think well what if and if i said this could this have happened? but i know now that she probaly hates me. ive heard her talk about me since awhile ago on my profile i wrote something on there about how could you hate me? and she told kim that she didnt hate me she just wasnt very happy with me.well this whole summer just before school started we got in a fight while i was in arkansas and it was the end. i had just got back from my sister's graduation it was supposed to be the best time in my life but it was one of the worsts. we got back from my sisters graduation and her and tasha had sent me a lot of messages about this and that. i just cried and then my sister came home thinking me for the roses i got her i in tears had to take pictures with my sister. i was dressed up in my black 1 sleeved dress with my flower necklace with the black jewels i even had my hair done and curled. but when we took pictures it was when she got home and i guess that was too late. my nana yelled " lindsey get in here and take pictures" i kept saying "i cant" so we took our pictures but i doubt i was smiling i really dont want to see them. bcos they remind me of a hard time in my life. :'/ so well kim moved in june and it hurt really bad like i mentioned. i just wished i woulda had a camera or my dad woulda let me use the video camera to go remember her by. bcos all i can remember her buy is the lost pictures and memories in my mind. one day im gunnah visit her and im gunnah bring a camera when that happens i dont have the slightest clue. so i want on this summer lonely having barely anyone to hang out with. eva and me did hang out a few times but thats when band started and swimming and are own inner turmoil kicked in. katie also did band i mean i talked to em both everyday but evas calls got less and less. then towards school starting i started talking to em again and me and eva went shopping for school clothes together it seemed great. then came the first day of school i was excited to be back but then i realized oh wait this is why i disliked school so much!and then on with the football games the first one i felt very weird hanging out with tasha*JENN*elena, and brianne i mean it seemed like brianne liked me being there and i felt accepted but i felt like it was a 1:4 ratio. and i would walk in the "group" and then jennifer would cut in and of course i couldnt stand by her bcos it would be too weird. next game it was me and brianne bcos no one was in town because they all had there wave tourney. and then the next game i walk into the stadium its the big choctaw game and i see krista and i ask her if i could hang out with her till i found tasha and them. well eventually i found them but i liked hanging out with krista and her friends. they accepted me and i was whole and since then ive been hanging out with them. i mean every now and then i have the occasional let out with them bcos they all made entre nous and i didnt but i think its cool theres always next year and i have fca and i really like fca its fun! so thats been my life for about the past year.but i feel like over the summer ive matured but every now and then someone makes a comment and it hurts. like just the other day steven thorn said all i did was gossip and all this shit. okay its steven thorn thats what i thought to myself why should i care what he thinks hes doesnt know me for me so he has no right to say that. it really did piss me off at the time but i mean like i said he doesnt know me he just knows what he wants. so lately ive been really busy.. ive been stressed out with exams and my grades and all and well soccer tryouts. im really concerned but i guess the end of the nine weeks is over now all i can do is say hey im gunnah try harder next semester. but well im going now i needed to let out some things that have been bothering me so im glad to share it with you! leave me a message --lindsey--